Andrew Jackson and The Nullification Crisis
An History in Three Acts
[scene: The United States of America, 1828]
South Carolina: Why I do declare, that Andrew Jackson is a cur and a scoundrel! He tramples across states rights without so much as a fiddle-dee-dee! Why, before we know it, federal law will usurp all the rights of the state and our proud legacy of a plantation economy powered by an enslaved labor force will be no more. I will never submit to this show of federal authority. I will not stand for this tariff of abominations. As God as my witness, I will never pay tariffs again!
[scene: Washington D.C., 1829]
Martin VanBuren: Mr. President, I’m afraid we’ve just received news that South Carolina is refusing to pay the tariff on foreign imports.
Andrew Jackson: What?! Who does that bitch think she’s playin’?
Martin VanBuren: I’m sure I wouldn’t know, sir. In any case, South Carolina has insisted she has the right to nullify any federal law and is threatening secession unless we agree to recognize state’s rights.
Andrew Jackson: Fuck that shit. That shit’s treason.
Martin VanBuren: Indeed, sir.
Andrew Jackson: I’m gonna open up a can a’ whoop ass on this bitch.
Martin VanBuren: Indeed, sir. A show of force would be quite apt to the occasion.
[scene: South Carolina, 1833]
Andrew Jackson: Bitch! Where’s my money! [Jackson pimp slaps South Carolina]
South Carolina: Eeek!
Andrew Jackson: You think you can just leave me? Bitch, I own your ass!
South Carolina: I dispute you, sir! This land was forged by the states and it shall forever be governed by the states!
Andrew Jackson: Bitch, ain’t you read the Constitution? You belong to the Union.
South Carolina: You, sir, are no gentleman!
Andrew Jackson: And you aren’t your own damn country!
South Carolina: Well I refuse to pay this abominable tariff. It’s an infringement on our state rights!
Andrew Jackson: Alright, alright. Look, there’s gotta be some way to work this shit out.
South Carolina: I’m listening.
Andrew Jackson: Alright, check this out. You agree not to secede and we’ll let you pay a slightly lower tariff over a number of years until it reaches 20%. How’s that?
South Carolina: I suppose I could agree to something of that nature.
Andrew Jackson: Good. I’m glad we finally got this settled. I’m sure this whole secession thing with never come back to bite the country in the ass in the next 30 years.